Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
