Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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