Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i out mim tonsoeep
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