well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
