life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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