There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
