Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
