I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
