I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
