She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
