Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im holly from the hills drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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