Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
