I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
