How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
