Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
