she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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