i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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