He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sober January is a disaster.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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