i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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