My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
