Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
