his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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