Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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