I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
