we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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