i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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