i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
