So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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