Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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