We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
