if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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