I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
