wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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