You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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