I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
