so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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