Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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