if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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