you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
