I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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