I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
