he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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