it wasn't lemon gatorade
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
