There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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