There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize