he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
