i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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