she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
