Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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