White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
