when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
