stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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