just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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