I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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