I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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