I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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