my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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