drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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